random thoughts

Washing dishes is about as close to meditation as I get these days.  I stare out the window at my backyard and let my mind wander.  I keep this little set of cards with wise, thought provoking statements on them in a little cup on the window sill near the sink, so while I’m washing and staring I can glance at the card that I’ve left at the top of the stack and take some inspiration or comfort from what it says.  Tonight a few of the cards fell onto the counter so when I put them back I reshuffled the deck, and the one that caught my eye said this:  “Every little seed knows that winter is but a moment between the warmth of eternal springs.”  And on the back, it said “Hassles are temporary.  LOVE IS FOREVER.”

We hear the things we need to hear at precisely the right moment, don’t you think?

This rang so true for me because these last few months have been hard, and there was a point where I truly was in a place of hopelessness.  Challenges were relentless, endless, traumatizing, and I ran out of the emotional wherewithal to bounce back.  Before I found that card I was thinking about how I definitely think I’ve been handed more to deal with than the average person, and that inexplicably (if only for this one moment) I somehow have hope for good things to come.  I don’t always feel so zen and sagelike about it.  Sometimes I throw myself a hell of a pity party, sometimes I’m pissed and resentful.  Those feelings are valid too.  But without hope…boy, that is not a good place to be at all.  The message on this little card validated this spark of hope and reminded me that in the grand plan that is my life these difficulties are fleeting.  There is good yet to come.

The promise of a warm spring, in the face of a cold and seemingly never ending winter.

One of the results of having such a hard time has been a rekindling of the anger I feel at JJ for leaving me with all of this.  The pot that has been simmering on the back burner…all but forgotten…suddenly boiled over.  When he first died I was so angry that he didn’t have to experience the consequences of his terrible decision to over medicate himself.  He got to cross over to the happy place, and everyone who loved him was stuck here picking up the pieces.  It wasn’t fair that I had to suffer someone else’s consequences.  But here is the truth that I’ve been aware of for some time:  I chose to love and marry someone who had addiction issues.  And the awful truth is that sometimes people die from their addictions.  I know in my heart that JJ didn’t look to medication for a buzz, but his method and his mindset were that of an addict.  And as terrible as it is, if you love an addict you are risking the heartbreak of loss.

Someone close to me and very similar to JJ in personality and temperament told me of an experience he had not long after JJ died.  His story gave me a lot of insight into why JJ did what he did.  This person said he, too, had debilitating back pain and had become frustrated with not being able to get an appointment with his doctor.  He needed to be able to work so he could support his family, so he started to think about which guy he could call to get what pill that he could take so that he could ease the pain and function.  It was just that natural.  A perfectly logical solution to a problem.  And then he thought about JJ and it stopped him cold.

Incidentally – but not by accident – while he was telling me this story I saw a rainbow on the floor of my living room.  Without question, I felt that JJ was speaking through this person to explain his actions.

I haven’t ever really admitted to myself that I understand that my choices are what led me to this place.  It’s easy to blame JJ – and don’t get me wrong, I still blame him for a LOT of what has happened, and I’m still mad sometimes – but finally today I can accept my part in it too.

Today a friend of mine asked if I had blogged lately and I told her no.  I haven’t felt that I had anything to say…or maybe a more accurate statement is that the things I’ve been writing weren’t really fit to share.  I was churning the notion of putting all of this out there – still doing dishes, mind you – and in the beveled edge of my blender, somehow, a rainbow was reflected.  (I don’t know how these things work, I just know what I see.)  Sometimes I get the answer I seek right away…even when I don’t know I’m asking a question.

Love IS forever.  This above all else is true.

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