Every midwife knows
that not until a mother’s womb
softens from the pain of labour
will a way unfold
and the infant find that opening to be born.
There is treasure in your heart,
it is heavy with child.
All the awakened ones,
like trusted midwives are saying,
‘welcome this pain’.
It opens the dark passage of Grace.
Beautiful. Instead of running away when painful memories surface I will try to remember these words and know that it will lead me to a place I would not see otherwise. I will try to remember that the pain is something to cherish, like a new baby – new life, birth, rebirth. And truly, I have been led to a place in my life that is far different than anything I would have had if JJ were still alive. I would have been happy and content with my mundane, ordinary, uneventful existence. But events have transpired and my life is far from ordinary – and maybe, already, I have traveled down that dark passage and found Grace. I know I have. I’ve felt that spark of hope in my heart.
I am remembering a moment not long after R was born. I was in the hospital room, and JJ was there with me talking on the phone to someone about this miracle of a baby and I heard him say “after all the stupid shit I’ve done” he just couldn’t believe that he had been given this gift. What I thought of, and what I wanted to say but couldn’t because I was too out of it was “that’s Grace, JJ.” At the end of the day that stupid shit didn’t matter. He was forgiven, and this little baby boy was his dream come true.
May we all find Grace in our lifetimes.