don’t worry, about a thing

Easier said than done though.  Especially since I am still struggling.

As best I can tell it’s grief, again, in a different form.  Sharper, because I’m not wrapped in the cotton of shock anymore.  Stealthier, because it comes disguised as nervousness, feeling edgy, anxiety – or at it’s worst, paralyzing fear.  Disappointing, because I faced it once already and thought I processed it all.  There is some part of me that is not surprised by this revelation though.  Grief is cyclical.  It comes back in different forms for different reasons.  It has to come back, and it takes a long time – maybe a lifetime – to work through.

Dammit.

I’m not saying I have it all figured out.  This is my best guess.  This is what rings most true for me as I face the fear and ask what it is and why it’s here.  What it answers is that I am still not whole; I still have work to be done.

Here’s what’s miraculous though:  in what feels like a very dark time, the light of Hope shines through.  Actually it always does.

Today it was in the form of an unexpected phone call from a new friend – someone I intuitively knew was on my wavelength but hadn’t shared my story with until today.  What began as an invitation to get our children together ended up being a direct message from the Universe, responding to my requests for help on this spiritual journey and validating what I believe is what my life’s work is supposed to be.  And I mean verbatim, no wishy washy stuff here.  Like she read my mind.  And I’ve been given the opportunity to begin, with just one step, this walk down a new pathway.  Thrilling.  Absolutely, positively, thrilling, and I am overcome with gratitude for being given exactly what I need.

And then, just in case I still had a question in my mind, I had a final sign from JJ in the form of an Elvis t-shirt on a girl I’ve never met in a meeting I hardly get to anymore.

Everything really is gonna be alright.

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One Response to don’t worry, about a thing

  1. Linda Dacar says:

    Making a new friend, one who does not know your story, can be very therapeutic. JJ may have picked the perfect person for you to befriend. Hopefully you will be able to be honest and confide your true feelings to someone who has not lived through your tragedy. Please do not beat yourself up, Jill. You are a very strong person and the bestest mommy ever!! I am so sorry you have been depressed lately. I miss you. Love, Mommy

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