I’m stuck on this idea of things always being in flux, never static. I was thinking about how a couple of weeks ago I decided I was going to stop fighting to keep my head above water and adapt instead. But lately I have been doing just the opposite…struggling, fighting, scratching my way through each day. It came as a surprise that I didn’t, couldn’t hold on to that sane thought of recognizing things as they are and arranging myself and my expectations according to what is. Instead I worked so hard to place circumstances into what I thought they should be. I think that’s what I did, anyway. It certainly felt hard to be me these last few weeks – though maybe I’m now more fully aware of how hard it was now that they are behind me – and also, they just truly were hard.
So although things will always be moving and changing – maybe another truth is that sometimes life will just be hard, regardless of whether I am flowing with it or fighting against it.
And maybe I can’t always be a relaxed swimmer. There were moments in these last few weeks when I had to really hang on tight to keep myself together, or the resulting freak out would have been traumatic and not appropriate to the situation. Maybe sometimes going with the flow feels more like some terrifying amusement park ride and I have to grit my teeth, close my eyes, and hang on for dear life until the ride is over.
But, in keeping with the idea that everything changes, those intense moments are also fleeting. I may only be calm and serene for a moment, but I’m also only irrational or panicked for a moment too.
And another thing I know to be true: when it’s all said and done, at the end of each day I come out all right.