surprising gifts

Dear JJ,

I know that you know that I had a baby because you wanted kids.  I was so afraid that I would lose who I was – the person I worked so hard to find.

But you wanted to be a dad and couldn’t do it without me.

When the baby was born I thought I was giving you this wonderful gift, and then when you died it was so tragic because the thing you wanted for so long had finally happened and you lost your chance to be the father you dreamed of being.

What I know now, and would never have guessed then, is that you ended up giving ME the gift of a lifetime.  The opportunity to raise this wonderful little soul is the greatest honor and I have found another part of my Self that I never would have discovered otherwise.  I know you know that he brings me unbelievable joy every single day.

I couldn’t, and wouldn’t, have done it without you.

There’s some kind of logic and reason in all of this, isn’t there.

I know you can’t tell me.  But I know you know.

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