ah, there it is

Oh…hello Anger.  I haven’t seen you in quite a while.  I knew you were there, but sadness concealed you and I chose to direct my focus elsewhere.

JJ – I am so pissed at you right now.  You left me alone with too much responsibility and it’s not fucking fair.  A brand new baby, a business to run, a house to maintain, pets to care for…not to mention taking care of my own self (HA).

Yeah – I sold the business, thank God.  But I had to run it and deal with some serious bullshit for 6 months before that was settled, then there were several more months of chasing down outstanding invoices, worrying about debts, doing taxes and tying up loose ends. All of this in the first year after you died.  And to this day I’m still working on it!  Just got a message from a banker the other day, which I haven’t yet returned because I don’t want to open up a can of worms.

Yesterday I called a plumber to fix my leaky kitchen sink.  This morning the faucet in the kitchen is dripping.

And those little furry cat-bastards woke me up at 4:30 am this morning.  Yesterday it was 4:45.  Both days R was awake by 5:30.  I am exhausted and I think R might have allergies, so now I have to figure out what to do with the cats – and nobody wants two middle-aged cats with claws – so good luck with that.  I’m so mad that one more impossible task has landed in my lap.

I should have included a Bitch and Moan Alert at the beginning of this post.  I can’t stand hearing myself cry and whine and complain but dammit, this sucks and I think I’m entitled to a meltdown now and then.  (Am I?)  It’s not all wonderful positive lessons and musing about the meaning of life around here.  Sometimes I am in the trenches slinging shit and no matter how fast and hard I work there is no frigging end in sight.

So here I am.  And YOU, happily up in heaven soaking up all the love and light and goodness, left me here to clean up your mess and carry one heavy-ass load.  Yes, let’s not forget that your actions led us (me) to this place.  A stupid, selfish, arrogant mistake – thinking you could handle your disease and had it under control.  That’s the ugly side of this coin.  The part I don’t focus on or think about, because it’s not something I can change and I don’t think I could survive dwelling on it to be honest;  so I choose to leave it alone.  But it’s as much the truth as the flip side – the part where you overcome the odds and rise to your higher purpose.

Until you send me some miraculous person that wants to take two fat, bratty cats off my hands I think I’m just gonna be pissed off at you.  So get busy, jerk.

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