Today I decided to tackle the daunting task of organizing the paper that threatens to take over my life. As I was sorting I came across doctor bills from my pregnancy and hospital bills and R’s newborn footprints. Of course I looked at the dates and thought about whether it was before or after JJ died, and thought about how I felt at those times. Feelings I had pushed aside and forgotten memories surfaced. JJ was standing right there when they printed R’s little feet – he might have even been the one to do it. And those feet have gotten a lot bigger over the last 20 months, and it’s been almost 20 months since JJ died…
Sadness descended upon me. Not black, like the days before JJ’s birthday in June, but a melancholy, dull ache.
But then, something cool happened.
Not too much later my babysitter and R stopped by for a surprise office visit. R had suddenly insisted upon coming to visit “mommy” at “work” and went so far as to get his little plastic set of keys out of the trunk of his little kid-sized car and insist upon leaving right that minute (as only a 20-month-old can insist). My sitter is wonderfully attuned to my son and to me and to the mysteries of life and we concluded that he beautifully communicated his desire to come see me at the moment I was feeling so sad.
Amazing and true.
We have an incredible connection, this little one and I. I’ve seen and felt it before, and if I ever had a moment’s doubt there are others who have witnessed it too. We are bound by love. The love connection is strong and abiding and transcendent. There is power in this connection. I am comforted, I feel joy, and most of all I feel so humbly grateful that I have been given this beautiful gift of love to sustain me.
Again I am reminded that Love Is The Most Important Thing.