10 months ago

Today is the 10 month anniversary of your death.  It’s hard to believe that almost a year has passed since that awful morning.  I remember not being able to understand how the earth could keep turning…the sun rose and set every day and people went on with their mundane lives.  The world had ended for me, and for everyone who knew and loved you.

Tonight I sat with Russell after his bath and we watched a Baby Einstein DVD.  He snuggled back into me and tucked his head under my chin and as my heart melted I realized that you will never know how that feels.  You won’t ever get the chance to have your son feel love and comfort and contentment and safety in your arms, and you’ll never have your heart fill up with love for him.

This makes me sad for you, but sadder for me.  I won’t ever get to see that interaction between my son and his father.  I’ll never see your face, and the love and wonder I know you would have felt when he put his tiny hand in yours.  I won’t get to share those feelings with you.  I won’t witness your tears of joy as our child grows up.  I won’t get the chance to see you be the father you were meant to be.

I’m angry too.  I have been cheated out of so much and it is Just. Not. Fair.  But tonight I can’t get too worked up about this injustice. Tonight I understand that my anger does not take me anywhere but down.  I don’t always feel this way, but tonight I know there’s nothing I can do to change this situation.  So, I acknowledge my feelings of anger and hurt, and then let them go in the hope that healing and peace will follow.

In truth I know things could be worse.  I thank God that you didn’t leave us before Russell was born.  You were the best labor coach, and you got to hold your brand new baby boy the morning he was born and for 10 days after that.  You told Jordan that when you looked at that baby you got tears in your eyes because he symbolized all of your accomplishments.  You saw your life’s dream fulfilled, and I am so glad of that.  I just ache for the rest of us whose dreams were shattered when you died.

You are loved and missed, my sweet little JJ.

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